So I've been neglecting this blog--a lot. Haha. I've just been so busy & I like being busy! Especially with things that I enjoy doing. Recently, there's been much party planning for my adorable godson/cousin whose first birthday is rapidly approaching, along with his uber-extravagant birthday party. I've volunteered myself & services to make sure this thing goes swimmingly & I'm extremely thankful that I have help doing it. Haha. Mae & I are working our butts off for this party, & while it has its moments of complete exasperation, it's actually pretty fun.

Aside from that, school ended this month for the summer, so thank god for that. I'm not as busy now with upholding my planner duties & my student duties, but I'm still pretty up there on the busyness scale. Hopefully, this means I can blog more this summer before I lose my chance to do so when school starts back up in the Fall. ^_^

Nakakapuyat.

I haven't blogged recently because, frankly, I'm exhausted. LIFE...exhausts me to no end. My life isn't currently how I would want it. I'm not just saying that, either. I don't think my life right now is how anyone would want their life to be. I feel drained: emotionally, mentally, & especially physically.

I need to find some strength & inspiration. I pray a lot, but it feels like they're not listened to or they even matter. I'm so tired. I need strength to continue on & more importantly, I need courage to continue on. What good is that strength when I'm too scared to move forward?

Parties & "prends."

[My last two posts were a bit somber & melancholy, so I think it's time for some lightheartedness & fun. (= ]

Party planning for a one-year-old boy is so difficult. Especially when you're a 20-year-old chick & your partner-in-crime is a 24-year-old chick as well. Mae & I are just encased in a world full of paper, pastels, & party things during our shopping trips & online perusing, so of course we're going to gravitate towards the pretty, girly things first instead of the "boy" things this party is based on. So far, we've made a decent dent in the party [despite getting off-track many times & heading towards the girly stuff, haha]:

-The theme colors are chosen, & we've [more like, I; haha] decided on: a tropical blue, orange, a semi-bright green, & dark brown. White is also included, but it's mainly a complementary color [side note: black & white are complementary for ANY color]. It isn't used as much as the other colors, but you'll see spots of it here & there.

-The main theme itself is "Noah's Ark" because how appropriate is that? [If you don't know, my godson's name is Noah.] The theme has been very difficult to find, believe it or not. For some reason, "Noah's Ark" themes are very prevalent with baby showers, not birthdays. Why? I have no clue. Blame the party companies. Haha. Thankfully, my diligence paid off & I found a theme as close as it could get to "Noah's Ark." The colors were perfect [these colors inspired the theme colors] & the way the animals were drawn were so cute. The overall aesthetic was very pleasing & not too "baby", but more towards "chic baby." Mae even came up with the saying: "Come join us on Noah's birthday boat!" for the invitations & now we're pondering whether to switch it to "birthday ark" or keep the alliteration as it is because I LOVE me some alliteration. Haha.

-The invitations are very languidly being drawn up & devised. I created some "style prototypes" already & a style has been picked out; thankfully, picking it out went swiftly. I'm hoping that the same animals & same colors mentioned can be incorporated into the invites because if not, I will be...yeah. Haha. But seriously.

-We've already bought: brown paper gift bags for the kids' favor bags, a few things to put inside the bags, paper for Noah's special hat, an extremely PERFECT ribbon that has the EXACT theme colors for Noah's special hat [I jumped up & down at least three times after finding that ribbon], paper [in all the theme colors] for the kids' hats, white ribbon for the kids' hats, zoo stickers for the kids' hats, paper for Noah's birthday banner, dark brown yarn for Noah's birthday banner, & prizes for the games the kids will play at the party. [I think I got mostly everything so far. I'll put up a tentative list of things we still need in a later post. And there is still a somewhat large amount of things we still need. Oy.]

-The most important part of this whole entire party, what this party totally depends on, has not been solved...yet; & that is THE VENUE. This is the most time-consuming, pain-stakingly difficult process of the whole planning process & it will probably surpass the favor bag-designing & any other craft-making project involved. What should have been a fairly easy road in this has turned into such a fickle debate. Hopefully with all the suggestions that I've given & that others have given, a decision will be made soon because the prospective date for this party is around that time where graduations & weddings & company parties will also be taking place. This does not bode well for us if deliberation continues because we might lose potential dates & I will not be happy if we lose potential dates.

-Mae & I are going to undertake: making the centerpieces out of Noah's Similac bottles [they are going to be AWESOME, mainly because WE'RE working on them. Hahaha], doing the gift bags for the kids, creating the kids' paper hats, making Noah's birthday banner, finalizing the "thank you" photo favors for the families attending the party, & I'll be making Noah's special party hat. I think this is it, unless someone has decided to make the envelopes for the invites. Hahaha, just kidding, Mae.

Despite the fact this party will definitely bring some stress, it has brought joys with it. I actually like doing things like this; I like planning parties [no, I do NOT want to become a party planner] & I like doing crafts [Pinay Martha Stewart! Whaaaaat!]. And, I've also gotten closer to my fellow party planner, which has been such a great occurrence. I've known this girl since we were wee little ones, but there was a point where we hadn't seen each other in a decade & then some more after that. We get along so well & I'm glad we're always laughing with each other; usually those things we're laughing about are really perverted, but hey, that's us. Haha. Love you, Mae! And you know you love me back even though I suggest some insane projects like envelope making & six-foot banner creating & whatever else I've suggested or said that you just wanted to jump over the table & tape my mouth shut. Haha. Oh you're going to hate me when I plan my wedding. (=

Future perfection...is NOT attainable.

I get inspired to write very arbitrarily, sometimes. My urge to do so will just pop up because of a thought, a word [or two] read, a song heard, a voice spoken; anything. This entry was inspired by a blog I came across as I was blog surfing [I need to come up with a portmanteau for that; blurfing? Ew. No. Back to the drawing board. Anyhoo...] & I subsequently dwelled on its point[s] here & there.

Ever since I've been with Joshua [which is almost 5 1/2 years now, just thought you'd like to know...again. ^_^], I've constantly been dreaming about the future--both day & night. I've gone from large details to insignificant, trivial little aspects that won't really matter that much. I think this has consumed me, to be honest. Along with being a perfectionist & my drive to attain perfection, the combination of frequently contemplating & planning out the future & perfectionism has NOT produced productive results. If anything, it holds me back.

This blog I read dealt with the former; the writer spoke about her unremitting pace with dwelling about the future rather than living in the present & dealing with whatever occurs when it occurs. Tackling future aspirations & living in the existing world is so exhausting because I find myself getting so caught up & lost in what will happen later on [even if it's only an hour or so later] that I start to lose focus of what is going on presently. This happens with EVERYTHING in my life now. I notice that my school assignments are becoming more & more consuming because I'm constantly thinking of next week or the next two weeks rather than the assignment I'm currently working on.

Back to Joshua & our relationship, this obviously affects that [BIG] part of my life. I have a feeling this whole "future forward" way of thinking stems back to our relationship, albeit I don't believe that it initially began for anything bad. Instead, I think it was just pure joy & excitement to be with someone like that; someone who made me feel that wonderful. Being 15, I was still REALLY naive. [I'm probably still REALLY naive at 20. Haha.] I was envisioning every single part of the future. My plan [emphasis on 'my'] was to be engaged by...well, now. Haha. I wanted to be engaged by 20, a little bit before our 5-year anniversary & I wanted a two-year long engagement [a year of thinking about how we wanted the wedding to be & a year of making it happen]; this would lead to a wedding in 2011 after we graduated from college; preferably on our seven-year wedding anniversary [December 8th, 2011]. We'd wait at least two or three years to have kids & our first child would be born when we would either be 23 or 24. By that time, I would already be an AMAZING journalist working for a top wedding magazine & Joshua would be on his way to becoming a licensed psychologist & getting his Ph.D [all of this was prior to our high school graduation in 2007]. We would live in Spain in a beautiful, big Spanish villa overlooking the Mediterranean with our three wonderful children & life would be happy & grand by 29. The future was wonderful...in my head.

Erasing all the fantasies & bringing everything back down to reality, we are not engaged & I do not see us getting married in two years [unless I become pregnant randomly or we just...get married. Haha]. Joshua doesn't want to be a psychologist anymore: this has changed from neurologist to pharmacist to maybe pharmacist to pharmacist again as of Wednesday afternoon. I still [shockingly] have kept my aspirations of becoming a journalist working for a wedding magazine. I don't want to live in Spain anymore with our family [I see it as more of a place I'd like to retire to], but I have stayed faithful to Western Europe [France or England, anyone?]. The older I've gotten, the more fearful I am about children, so I don't know if we'll even have three or even any. This fear isn't due to lack of parental aptitude to raise them or a deficiency in maternal instincts. My fear is that I won't be able to have any at all. I don't have any concrete evidence for this; it's just a feeling of mine [women's intuition]. It's difficult to get pregnant [seriously, those who do become pregnant after that "one time" are lucky; or unlucky, depending on how you look at it] as it is, so that doesn't really aid in quelling my fears. Joshua knows about this & he's reassured me time & time again that it won't happen & that if there are complications, we'll do whatever it takes. [I'm so glad I've been blessed with that man. His strength & positivity is so unabounding.]

I was so excited for the next five years of my life at the very young age at 15. And the next 10 years after those five years. Now that I'm 20 years old & my plans have drastically changed, I realize that planning as exhaustively & extensively as I did was in vain. It slightly pains me to say that because, of course, I had these anticipations & expectations that didn't happen [yet]. At the same time, it's relieving. I read a quote from a Tumblr page that said: "Just because it hasn't happened doesn't mean it won't ever happen. It just means you're not ready yet." That quote spoke volumes upon volumes to me. I have a lot of growing to do. WE have a lot of growing up to do. I'm not ready or matured yet to experience these life-altering things. [And just because you are experiencing them doesn't mean you're fully ready for it, either.]

Although it's slightly caustic to realize these not-so-great things about myself, it definitely contains its sweetness because it shows me that I AM growing; I'm maturing & being cognizant of things that need to evolve within myself. That awareness is maturity in a nutshell: realizing you're still young & screwing up, so you need to change that. I've planned out too much of my life that I've lost sight of what awesome things happened around me because I was too impatient for what would happen later on. Equally, being a perfectionist has destroyed this as well; I would spend my time planning this "perfect life" instead of living this beautiful, imperfect life that God has given me. I've learned that being a perfectionist has no goal. Because I've been this way, I'm never satisfied. I always need more: more out of myself, more out of my relationship with Joshua, more out of everyone I interact with. I can't ever be happy with what I'm given. And looking ahead, I always think that I WILL get this paragon of perfection out of everyone & everything. I now realize that it is impossible.

Living in the now & loving what you're living & who you're living with is the key to life's happiness. I'm mentally shaking myself now to quit daydreaming about the future & let it be, along with trying to have a perfect everything. Because those little flaws give life character & will keep it interesting. If I lived a totally perfect life, I'm sure that will get boring quickly. I get bored quickly. God I have so many flaws. Haha.

PS: Whoever reads this [which I only think is one], sorry this entry was long. And I KNOWWWWWW I've been saying that I would do a "Loves in Life" entry set, but that's been held off for this entry. Haha. Hopefully my next blog[s] will be those posts. But you never know. (=

Babies with Babies.

Initially, I wanted to do this whole set of posts that dealt with my loves in life. I thought that would be a nice introduction into actual blogging because I don't consider my first post my first REAL post. That idea was usurped by another thing weighing on my mind as of late. [My "loves in life" post will eventually be posted.]

Blog title-wise, it is what it is. Babies with babies. Not babies having babies, it's babies with babies. What does this mean? Well I'll do some reversing & explain myself.

Today, my mother asked me if I wanted to adopt a child. Yes that was a truly "WTF" moment for me. I'm only 20 years old. I'm still a "baby" as it is. I'm still going to school. I don't have a job. I still live at home. Seriously, Mom? Anyway, this child is my cousin's baby. I don't know the incentive she has for giving the baby up for adoption, but I would assume that it is primarily because she wants her child to have a better life. She lives in the Philippines now, & the quality of life there isn't up-to-par or as exclusive as it is in the US.

After my mother mentioned this adoption prospect to me, my father interjected & said he is opposed for reasons I won't disclose on here [this doesn't mean they are good or bad--some things should still be kept private]. I started to wonder if she really meant for me to adopt this precious baby; then I thought, well if she didn't mean for me to, why did she ask me in the first place?

I told Joshua about this, & he thought it was a cool idea. Those were his exact words. I then remembered a discussion we had about adoption a few days ago. We had always talked about adoption loosely & conversed about it here & there, but I was never really open to the idea of adopting a child & he was. I thought about it again & told him that possibly one day, I'd like to adopt a child; but only under the prerequisites that our own biological [God-willing] children would be grown & possibly out of the house & fending for themselves, & that we would be able to do so [because if our plans go right, our children would be considered "adults" by the time we are in our mid-to-late-40s or early 50s]. He loved the idea. I knew he would since he seriously considered adoption, anyway.

After I told him about today's adoption proposal, he made it very evident he wanted to adopt that child. I thought that was the sweetest thing in the world. [He has a very big heart. I always tell him that his big heart makes me fall in love with him so much.] The more we talked about it, I started to get images of us with that baby. It's so improbable, but it was very endearing to see it emblazoned in my mind. We started saying if it was possible for us [as in, having good & steady jobs; having a good place to live; & most likely, being married], then we would immediately do it. I never thought I'd think that way. I mean, I don't even know this child [just that she or he would be my niece or nephew & there's the possibility they would call me 'mommy'. Omg] & I never really entertained the thought of adoption. And now I wanted to? Talk about capricious.

I don't really know what to make of all this. It feels...weird. He & I somewhat have the chance to raise this child as best as we can & save her or him from the clutches of penury & all of its unfortunate side-effects, & yet, we can't. It's an odd thing to categorize in my mind, since I don't know how to exactly feel about it. Regardless, if my cousin does decide to keep the baby or give it up for adoption, I hope that baby has the best life they could possibly have.

First Blogspot Blog.

I've had a plethora of blogs. I started with Xanga back in [either] March or April 2002. I was 12 years old. I had no idea what blogging was except for the mere fact it was just a "public diary", although it didn't contain my innermost thoughts & secrets. And this won't either. (= Unless my blog metamorphosizes into someone named Joshua P. Davison, then that's a whole different story.

I stayed consistent with Xanga for a steady three to four years. I started to dwindle around the 2005-2006 mark, probably because I had a boyfriend now [same one mentioned above!] at the beginning of 2005. Haha. Either that, or Xanga [or possibly, blogging] wasn't just holding onto me as tightly as it primarily did. After Xanga, I tried my hand at WordPress, but that didn't really last. I tried to get into it recently [as in tonight], but it seemed too high-maintenance for me. I also have a Tumblr, but I've neglected that terribly.

I'm a blog abuser. I use blogs for their temporary pleasures & then throw them away once I get bored with them. [...blog whore?] Who knows if Blogger will be different? It might be different. It can be different. The difference is that people around me were using the aforementioned blog sites & I think that's how I got into it. [I'm a conformist. I'm not proud.] I'm pretty sure that is also the same way I started using Myspace, Facebook, etc. I'm surprised I don't have a Twitter! [ALTHOUGH...I am heavily tempted to get one...just for Lil' Wayne. Haha.]

No, this could be different. I'm going through some very testing times in life right now, & like I said, this is my self-therapy. I won't get as deep as the Mariana Trench [credit to Joshua Davison], but I might. If you're reading this, I should give you a disclaimer before you decide to continue in case you get bored. Some things you will DEFINITELY see:

-I talk about my boyfriend a lot on blogs. A LOT. Deal with it. We've been together for over five years now [woooooop!], so of course there's going to be a lot of mentioning. He's practically in every single part of my entire life; so me scribing a blog without mentioning him is very well a sign for Armageddon.
-I don't use parentheses. I only use parentheses in school. You will see brackets when brackets are not supposed to be there.
-I might not blog for...ever. It might be consistent, or it might be sporadic. I might have daily rants & I might have annual droughts.
-Secret: I still have my Xanga. You can check it out at xanga.com/bloomnlunatic [or however they do it now]. It's inactive, but the current post is...(=
-Referring to the previous sentence, I use "(=" instead of "=)". It's too weird for me.
-I MIGHT get tempted to put up a survey here as an entry. Might.
-I'll try not to curse. I have a wide vocabulary [I also read that women's brains are more cognizant of a wider vocabulary than men, which is why communication can be a strongpoint of ours], but if I need to drop an expletive & that offends you, I really do apologize. I'd rather get it out now than get out my thesaurus.
-This might last, this might not. If it doesn't, I apologize to whoever does read this & keeps up with it & actually finds it interesting.
-This is for me. Not for you or you or you. Writing is therapeutic, but not when your hands start hurting. Oh boy.
-I'll try to make witty blogs, have intriguing entries that will make you laugh or [hopefully not, though] cry, & pull you in as much as I can. You've already read this from beginning to end & I thank you. Wish me luck. (=